How To Train Your Hooman

Kathy Enriquez
Dec 3, 2025
2 min read

Updated: Dec 8, 2025

Hi! It's Nezuko here. I run half of this business so I'm allowed to post here, obviously.

This one goes out to my fellow feline furiends. And I'm here to teach you how to train your hooman!

Paw Your Way to Comfort

If you sleep with your hoomans and they have the audacity to sleep comfortably in your spot, there’s a solution! Simply paw at their limbs–it doesn’t matter which one–until they move to your liking. You are their puppeteer. Keep pawing relentlessly. Worse comes to worse, just go sit on their face if they don’t move.

Remember, your comfort is number one, and their sleep is an inconvenient obstacle to your favourite resting spot.

Protest for New Foods

My favourite food in the world is tuna. But sometimes, it can get boring, and I require a freshly caught salmon or a whole chicken. So, how do we get what we want? Easy. Stop eating even if it’s your favourite. Just stop!

Walk up to your food
Paw it
Stare at the bowl with disdain
Walk away
Repeat

Eventually, your hooman will catch on and bring you back a whole fresh salmon. Trust me, hold out long enough, and they’ll cave. We all need a bit of variety in our lives!

Do Something Bad to Get Their Attention

It’s unacceptable when you want your hooman’s attention, and all they’re doing is staring at the lightbox they call a TV. Easy fix. Find something acceptable or valuable to destroy and announce loudly, “Pay attention to me, or I’ll destroy this Luffy statue!” You’ll have their undivided attention instantly.

Master Door Opening to Assert Dominance

Know what’s offensive? When your hoomans dare to close doors in YOUR house! Hmmph! Know how to combat that? Learn to open them, all of them–leave no door unopened. This shows your hoomans that you own the place, not them. After all, the word homeowner has MEOW in it.

Steal Their Game Pieces

If you catch your hoomans playing games without you, casually stroll over and steal their game pieces. Because how dare they play without you! Dice, cards, tokens–if it’s part of their game, it’s yours now. Hell, you’re the BBEG (Big bad evil guy)!! They’ll quickly realize that including you is the only way to maintain the peace. They might even buy you your own dice set; that’s what my hoomans did.